If you’ve been following me for a long time, you know that I had surgery in August. My world completely shifted on July 19th; my entire existence stripped from me.
In these months following surgery, I’ve been healing not just from the surgery and the year of not being able to walk without looking drunk, but I’ve been healing a lot of hurt and pain from recent years and even my younger years.
I can’t tell you everything I’ve been through because I’ve lost so many memories. I don’t know if I blocked them out, or they just left me. I continue to work on my healing in spite of what I’ve lost and what’s been taken from me.
I came across Shaun T’s TikTok today, and it summed up so much of what I’ve been working towards. I know how much I needed to get my mind right to enjoy all the progress I’ve made.
I’ve lost the pounds and the inches, and I’ve actually enjoyed the change in my body. Before, it had become a struggle to be happy with my looks. I was trying to look good for others and still didn’t like the girl in the mirror.
But, it doesn’t matter what others think…because how they see me is all about how they perceive themselves. Their judgements or “not enough” mentality isn’t about me. It’s about their own issues.
I also realized that any judgment I was dishing out, any criticism or expectations I had was all about what’s been projected onto me. I never thought twice about the color of my skin or the nose on my face until someone went around the school lunch table and “critiqued” our features.
At the same time, I was never praised for my beauty or embraced by any race or ethnicity mixed around in this amazing vessel. I wasn’t fond of feminine things because I didn’t fit the beauty mold in my very narrow valley I call my city. I wanted to be strong and wear “pretty things.”
I made a lot of mistakes. I responded in fear of losing people, fear of making anyone dislike me, and fear of making people mad at me.
We all make mistakes. We all project our hurt onto others, whether we know it or not. We all respond in ways that aren’t always productive. We were all shaped by our upbringing and those who surrounded us.
It’s a good thing we can choose to surround ourselves with better people. We can change that hurt we don’t always recognize into kindness and patience.
It can get better if we choose better.
We can do better.
Check out more from Shaun T
The world is a little chaotic right now. There is a huge shift here. We can let it consume us, or we can do better.