Healing With Music

An aunt of mine passed away today.

As my grandparents received the news that my Grandpa’s sister was lost to COVID, I was in my room organizing things. I was making calls, a fire was lit in me to get things done.

I was going to head out to the post office and then the hospital to get some testing scheduled and they told me she was gone.

We weren’t on good terms. In fact, we had a falling out around the time I got married and it caused a fracture in the family. Honestly, I don’t know why it all got blown out of proportion, but it did and here we are.

I sat for a bit with them before I left and continued on with what I had planned. I was listening to some frequencies, testing the world of sound and how it can mess with a person. This frequency was for healing. I listened to the post office and the hospital.

When I got out, I need some good vibes and switched on Bloody Samaritan.

I don’t know why that song hits so well in my soul. I was grooving in the car, hit it a second time and lost track of when it would end.

Then Gratitude by Brandon Lake started to play.

I’ve only heard it maybe twice and I’ve never watched the movie, but it was there and suddenly, tears came to my eyes. I didn’t really feel the urge to cry until they were already there.

I’ve been through so much. I couldn’t even listen to music for a good chunk of time. I’ve made so much progress. And then this moment came and all my thoughts went to…I’m not even sure.

My aunt who I never reconnected with, my grandfather who has outlived so many of his siblings, my grandmother who is a fierce prayer warrior who believes faith is everything, my family that I don’t ever thank enough for all they’ve done for me ESPECIALLY after all that’s happened in 2021.

My thoughts ran through more, but at some point, I just cried to let it out.

Not one thought, just taking in the song.

I pulled myself together to come back into the house, make more calls and then felt the pull to speak to someone, YOU.

I started listening to the song again, and the tug in my throat pulled out more tears.

Can I just say…

It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be in your feelings. It’s okay to be in your safe space while you reflect. It’s okay to be angry and hurt. It’s okay to want to scream at the top of your lungs.

I have never felt more worthless than I did on July 19, 2021.

It started out to be a great day. So much fire in my veins to get moving and do whatever I could even as I struggled to move two steps without wanting or needing to vomit, hold onto a wall, let alone get some chores done. But I did it. I did so much that day.

Then the world I knew came crashing down only confirming my feelings of worthlessness because I couldn’t just be normal. I couldn’t just ‘walk off’ my symptoms. I couldn’t just do life the way everyone wanted from me.

Hell yes, I was angry. Hell yes, I wasn’t sure who I was outside of that…or even I could survive outside of that.

And then I took many months to heal.

I’m still healing.

But man does it feel great to have the right one at my side.

When you find HIM (whatever you call that greater being), it all changes.

E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.

This beautiful world is too great not to find the gratitude in the things that seem so dark.

I don’t really know what I wanted to say to you as I live in my feelings right now.

LYRICS for “Gratitude”

All my words fall short
I got nothing new
How could I express
All my gratitude?

I could sing these songs
As I often do
But every song must end
And You never do

So I throw up my hands
And praise You again and again
'Cause all that I have is a
Hallelujah, hallelujah
And I know it's not much
But I've nothing else fit for a king
Except for a heart singing
Hallelujah, hallelujah

I've got one response
I've got just one move
With my arms stretched wide
I will worship You

So I throw up my hands
And praise You again and again
'Cause all that I have is a
Hallelujah, hallelujah
And I know it's not much
But I've nothing else fit for a king
Except for a heart singing
Hallelujah, hallelujah

So come on my soul, oh, don't you get shy on me
Lift up your song, 'cause you've got a lion
Inside of those lungs
Get up and praise the Lord
Oh, come on my soul, oh, don't you get shy on me
Lift up your song, 'cause you've got a lion
Inside of those lungs
Get up and praise the Lord
Come on my soul, oh, don't you get shy on me
Lift up your song, 'cause you've got a lion
Inside of those lungs
Get up and praise the Lord, hey
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord
Praise the Lord

So I throw up my hands
Praise You again and again
'Cause all that I have is a
Hallelujah, hallelujah
And I know it's not much
But I've nothing else fit for a king
Except for a heart singing
Hallelujah, hallelujah

There is something bigger out there than all of us. There is a strength that carries us all that makes all things possible: “Come on my soul, oh, don’t you get shy on me Lift up your song, ’cause you’ve got a lion Inside of those lungs.”

You have a lion inside of you. We have a lion inside of us. What are you going to do with it?

You have so much to offer this world. Let the right one guide you and you’ll be a fierce force when you’re in your purpose.

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