Where Is My Mind?

I heard this song many times over the years, the original being by the Pixies. So often, this song is used during deeper moments on shows or movies like Fight Club. When I heard the cover by Tkay Maidza, something clicked differently. Maybe because I loathed that movie – At the time I first watched Fight Club, I didn’t quite understand that movie. Now, I understand it a little too well and it makes the original song jumble up my insides.

For a long time, I didn’t understand where my mind had gone and recently, I wondered what was real and what wasn’t. I know many of us feel the same, sometimes all the time.

There isn’t much that helped me in those times. I suppose I didn’t have the tools to manage it. Expecting anyone else to understand or expecting anyone to help pull me out of it could have been part of the reason I stayed inside the wonderland so long.

I realized I was leaning on people too much and funny thing, I have to lean on people more now than I ever had before given my lovely situation. Having the right people around you can make all the difference.

But it hasn’t been easy to accept help. That pride thing can be a giant butthole. My mind didn’t see it as a pride thing, it saw it as a burden thing. When you’re treated as a burden, you tend to feel like it.

Negative people who only look at what you can’t do, negative people who only see the dark and not in the dark, this can make a difference to our well being.

Should we want the negative people around? Should we want them to leave? Should we hope for them to be strong enough? Is it really about strength?

My mind has been working on overdrive even as I’ve been trying to rest. Not only did I have surgery, but my whole world took a major shift when people left during my worse time, but in that worse time people showed up. God showed me more when I thought it was too much to handle, but we are never given anything we can’t handle when we have who we’re supposed to have by our side.

I was lost in my sickness and as much as I’ve wondered about my mind not having my back anymore, I have never seen so clearly.

It’s in the worst times, people show their colors, the world shows us what it has for us, and we realize who and what we really need.

We don’t know how we’re getting there, but let’s start looking at the good things, the good people. We have to start somewhere. We have to start seeing the good to know what is good.

It’s funny, I keep hearing Where Is My Mind? but I keep wanting to sing the lyrics from the song FIX YOU by Coldplay over the Pixies’ sound. Maybe someone has already worked this out.

Or maybe someone should.