When Signs Come, Who’s Speaking?

If you haven’t seen THE STARLING on Netflix, you really should.

I haven’t had the amazing chance to have a child of my own, but I have lost my little ones during pregnancy. Many don’t understand the lost because of that whole mess of a conversation people often fight about.

Well, I lost my babies. I never got to meet them in person, but there was an amazing connection I had with each one. My first lost, it put a drive in me to want more. I was thinking out of pain, and anger, and no real understanding of what was going on. It was that time that I hadn’t really let go of, it often plagues me.

In the last few weeks, things have really come full circle for me, or an amazingly winding road has brought me here. Either way, I’m here.

I watched the first part of this move and had to stop it. I wasn’t ready for it. I wasn’t ready for the ball of emotions that I started cycling through. I’ve been working on healing from surgery, among other things, and it’s been a realization to say the least.

I watched the series KIPO and the WONDERBEASTS, and if you haven’t seen it, you should. Give it a chance. You’ll see the surrealness of a child’s ability to do the things not even us grown folk know how to do.

But my heart opened up and I gave THE STARLING another try.

This scene opened my mind a bit about what hurt we are all masking. Everyone has believed they are fighting a losing battle at some time or another. I’m sure we’ve wanted to give up during the worst of times, but crazy moment here, maybe we were fighting the wrong battle.

At some point, we look at a situation and we say we’re fine. We try to heal the part we think that needs it, but it’s not what needs worked on. When I had my first lost, I realized how much I wanted children. I didn’t know how things were going to work or what kind of mother I’d be, but I wanted to be a mother so badly.

A little secret about me, I didn’t want kids when I was younger. I wanted to break through the stereotype of a woman and having kids didn’t seem to fit me. I was too tomboyish, or I was too aggressive for a woman. I guess that’s what I allowed others to say to me and what’s held onto my spirit.

Loss after loss hid what I really needed healed. Even as my body felt like it wasn’t good enough to have children of my own, I still wanted a family, but I didn’t want to pass down my crappy issues.

But why was I really trying to talk myself out of having a family?

Look for the clouds to part, even for just a second.

There is hope.

There is hope where there is Faith.

Ashley E.

I’ve been reminding myself HEALED MIND, HEALED BODY, HEALED HEART. I’ve admitted many things to myself and others in recent weeks. I let go of a lot of things and let out a lot of burdens I’ve held onto for many years.

THE STARLING has so many nuggets I needed to hear; so many things I could relate to and it eased my mind, made me cry, made me laugh, and made my brain admit a few things I hadn’t realized I still needed to admit.

Even in my time of soul searching where I thought I was getting somewhere, I’ve found that the things I buried, the things I’ve tried to heal, needed a more indepth look. What was on the surface wasn’t exactly what or all that needed to be worked on.

Oh how much deeper my wellness goes and the kind of fuel I need. It’s crazy. I didn’t think life had so many layers. There is so much more to this fuel and wellness thing that even I didn’t see when I started FUEL MY WELLNESS.

It makes a bit more sense now…

You have to see to see.

Okay, now on to FATHERHOOD. “People have other people.”

Flowers and Goldfish. We’ll talk about that next time.

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